We had been looking forward to the Dior party for some time – held to commemorate the launch of the ‘Crystal’ ladies’ watch and hosted in the new stadium on Nanjing and Dunhu. A handsome building.

The show’s invites instructed guests to be sure to wear warm clothing – it cryptically stated that the temperature could go as low as 18 degrees Celsius (positively Baltic!). Entering the stadium, it became immediately obvious why – the event was being held on an ice rink, with a strip of ice for the runway. Imaginative.

The show started out promisingly enough, if rather Taiwanese. A very elegant ice skater gracefullty pirueted (check the spelling on that later!) her way up and down the strip in time with soothing music, indicating some kind of narative. No such danger.

She departed and a pair of striking models strutted down either side flashing the watches, making for what turned out to be the pole dancing stage. Sadly / hilariously one fell over on a patch of melted ice and this introduced us to the remainder of the show, which was really rather naff – models pouting on next to pole miles away from the VIP / celebrity area (where I was enjoying the sports bottles of Champagne). Comedic value of models showing off the same watches for twenty minutes waned rather, but the Champagne took the edge off the boredom.

The next section completely baffled me. A man in a dark cape entered the ice arena, clearly tip-toeing for fear of his cranium. The chandalier at the centre of the stage descended and he dropped his cape to reveal he was a HUMAN DISCO BALL. Every inch of his skin was covered in mirror tiles, and the laser beams simultaneously pointing at him made sure your could not forget that fact. It also turns out he was incredibly flexible, and walked around very slowly flexing and bending. And then he left. And then I drank more Champagne. The End.